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Animal Signs – Blue Heron & Owl

Recently I had an experience of animal signs.  Over two days I had close enounters with three flying birds.  The first was a blue heron. I was on one of my many walks. I didn’t even notice it…it was so still. Suddenly there was a fluff of activity within a few feet of me and she took flight.  I have never been that close to a heron….never.  I noticed it for sure…but didn’t know if it meant anything.  Later that day, a blue jay flew very close to my windshield.  That didn’t seem quite so amazing…but it was, for sure, the closest a bird had ever come to my windshield (without hitting it!).  The next day…and this is the ‘big one’….I am driving down a two lane rural highway.  A white owl flies right next to my car window, keeping pace with me and looking me right in the eye.  Couldn’t miss that one.  I was like ‘do owls really fly like that?  During the day?”  Time definitely morphed…he hung in the air right next to the window of my moving car…his yellow eyes looking deeply into my brown eyes.  I sat on it a couple of days, but couldn’t shake it. So, I did what everyone on a spiritual path does – I Googled it.  I literally  Googled ‘blue heron owl animal meaning’.   And I found the article below. Seems someone else had a similar, specific experience.

From http://epona-rise-retreats.com/messengers-and-signs-the-flight-of-the-great-blue-heron-and-the-sight-of-an-owl

2Messengers and Signs: the flight of the Great Blue Heron and the sight of an owl.

Messengers come to us in many forms and in many ways. They are carriers of wisdom, information and often a sign we need to help us navigate our way forward. They help to see the hidden treasures in our paths and open our eyes to what is there before us, what lessons and growth are present for us to experience.

The Great Blue Heron has been presenting itself to me in the last couple of days, they are a bird with great significance in my life and I have found that wherever I move I end up in an environment that they call home. …Yesterday alone 5 Blue’s accompanied me on my walk with my Dog, 3 were together stalking prey in the stream and two more flew beside me as my dog ran and play…I cannot speak about the Great Blue without mentioning the Owl. Both times since moving here that the abundance of Blue’s came my way they were always accompanied by the presence of the Owl. So what is the significance and message of the Great Blue Heron and the Owl?

The medicine of the Great Blue Heron is one of self-determination and self-reliance, as a water dweller they are closely related to the energy of emotions and going with the flow of life. Their long and steady legs are symbolic of the ability to stand on one’s own, as the Heron is a lone hunter it signifies the ability of one to be able to tap into their own greatness and power to sustain and fulfill themselves on their way. In the spiritual sense the Great Blue carries the message of connecting and exploring other realms while connected here on earth. Those that carry the medicine of Great Blue’s are ones that can be termed Jack of all Trades, needing a life where they can engage in a variety of activities and dimensions while on earth, living in a way where they are pulled in the direction of the unique flow of their heart and path and often times in a way that goes against the structured and “secure” way of societal norm. (Animal Speak by Ted Andrews)

So what is the significance of the Heron in my own life? How does it’s medicine speak to me? As I embark on another stage in my life where I am setting out on my own, forging a new way and boldly stepping onto the path of my dreams, it is a good reminder to continue to stay true to my heart. To know that I have the inner strength and power to persevere in my vision and know that I can rely on myself and my strength to get me through this part of my journey. The Heron comes to remind me of who it is I really am and the gifts I have inside of me and that I have within me the ability to create and live in a way that truly resonates with my heart. I am strong, I am brave and within me I have all of the tools and resources within me to navigate my way and to always remember to trust myself what I feel, what I know and what I see from inside out. That I must learn to be at one with my form, with my gifts and to use them to my advantage, not all birds just like not all humans are built the same, we must learn to be in harmony with our forms, our gifts and our strengths and then we will find harmony within our lives once again.

And what of the Owl? What message does she carry? The owl is a bird that is closely connected to the Goddess Athena who is symbolic of inner wisdom it was said the Owl perched upon her shoulder on her blind side to provide a light where there was only darkness. In that way the Owl in symbolic of finding wisdom in the darkness, learning to navigate through the dark times while trusting there is light to be seen there and that within the dark caves of our unconscious or psyche there lies treasures waiting to be uncovered and brought into the light. They are visionaries able to see with clarity in places not all others would be able to see. They are nocturnal beings closely associated with the night and the dark sky. They urge us to look within our depths and shadows to bring out what is meant to be in the light, and also helps us to see our fears for what they really are, illusions and tricks. Owl encourages us to seek the truth in our lives and take off the veils we have put over our eyes to keep us from seeing that truth.

 Owl message to me is one of power and of wisdom and also of being guided by something as I embark on a journey within my own depths. The owl is there to help guide my way, illuminating my path of darkness so I can once again see the light.

That message sounds pretty good to me and resonated very strongly with where I am in my life.  Part of the reason I wanted to blog it though was the magic involved in 1) noticing the animal signs enough to investigate and 2) Googling and coming up such a directly applicable and helpful message.  It is one of the many moments in life where I wonder if this world really is made by and for me.  I mean, what are the chances I would stumble on a message about seeing a blue heron AND an owl.  Magic really is afoot…but we have to be in the awareness…and we may need to ask for help.  How often have I had an experience of magic and just kept on walking…or wondered if something might mean something, but got too distracted with life to find out.  I am grateful for the animal messages…and grateful that I noticed…and grateful that someone out there posted something online that helped me.  I hope I do the same for others.

 

Energy & Housecleaning & Reclaiming Power

OldFriend has signed a year lease and is setting up his own home.  I am glad. It is time, for sure.   Since he is no longer renting furnished seasonal-type places, he can take some furniture that I have been holding onto for him and begin the process of establishing himself. I am happy for him, for me and for LightEyes, PracticalFairy and ChildoftheHeart.  Which leads me to the remodel of my guest room.

When OldFriend and I bought this house over 10 years ago, we intentionally bought a house with a dedicated guest room, mostly so RoadBlocker and LatentHealer could come for extended stays. And they did.  Weeks at a time, a couple times a year.  They loved packing up their van in Ohio and driving out here to Cape Cod.  They were both New Englanders born and bred and they were thrilled – not only to visit, but to visit their old stomping grounds.  RoadBlocker was in that Air Force stationed on Cape Cod and they ‘courted’ while he was here…LatentHealer taking the train down with girlfriends to visit.  We had so many great times. They were here when LightEyes was born, came skidding into town a couple days late when Practical Fairy arrived earl,y and LatentHealer came alone for ChildoftheHeart (RoadBlocker already on his downhill slide into Alzheimer’s).   So many cookouts, beach days, evening cocktails, movies, holidays.  Over time, though, RoadBlocker continued his slide into Alzheimer’s and couldn’t travel. LatentHealer would come, but for shorter visits and they were physically hard for her.  Then RoadBlocker died, Frustrated Healer went into Assisted Living…things changed.  I don’t know if she will ever come again and, if she can, it’ll be for less than a week.

Right before RoadBlocker’s death, OldFriend and I had decided to divorce. He was already staying in the guest room and stayed there in our ‘house separation’ for another year.  The guest room, which had been such a happy space, became a dark space in the house.  It is down the hall from the kitchen and I would keep the door closed…afraid the yukky energy would escape into the rest of the house.  Since OldFriend moved out a couple years ago, the room has remained stale.  His furniture is there. I have felt stuck.  But now he has made a shift…and the way is clear.

So, I set about reclaiming that space.  I talked with the kids about it. They are all energetically sensitive and understood.  They could even understand clearing the energy of the ‘in between time’ with mom and dad.  After OldFriend took what he wanted, we cleaned out the rest of the room – emptied it.  I painted it yellow (that’s another story).  I bought new furniture – a combination of nice new stuff and a couple things off EBay.  I smudged it, played my crystal bowls in it, smudged it again. It is bright, happy and clear.

Here’s the thing. I KNEW what I was doing…was very conscious that I was clearing the energy and the space.  Somehow, though, I wasn’t complete.  Going to bed Saturday night, LightEyes said he felt funny, unsettled inside. I felt the same.  That night I asked for help in my dreams to clear whatever it was.  What a surprise to me that it was all about the energy in the house.  I had raised a maelstrom and it was like a crazy energy all around.    I worked with Spirit in the night and we funneled it up to the Universe, the funnel acting like a draw….pulling the yuk energy out.    Then, the most amazing thing happened.  As the energy cleared, something gave way at the four corners of my house and the house crashed down to the Earth.  I had known it wasn’t really grounded. I had tried several times to ground it and just couldn’t get it all the way done.  When we cleared the yuk energy, it just slammed into the Earth, with a big puff of dust all around. It was dramatic…and had some finality and rightness to it.

A couple lessons for me:  1) When working with energy, make sure to finish the job. I had cleared the energy and got it moving….but I didn’t really see it through…didn’t hand it off to Spirit.  Was it an unconscious holding on?  Maybe.  2)   A reminder of how powerful energy is. I KNEW what I was doing. I had set out to do it consciously…still, what I stirred up was hugely powerful.  3)  Remember to ask for help. I thought I was…and in some ways I was. However, when LightEyes and I felt discomfort, I was very specific and clear in my request for help…and it made all the difference.

Final thought:  on the heels of completing this process, I have spoken a few truths to people about myself and the marriage…in a peaceful way, but a clear way that I hadn’t done previously. So, it’s true….housecleaning, decluttering, etc. can free you up and improve your clarity.

Final, final thought:   I am happy for OldFriend. It is time.  I think it has rattled him a bit, and that is OK.  I am glad he is sleeping in his own bed and not some stranger’s bed in a seasonal rental…let alone a bunkbed in a campground. I am glad he is starting to make his own home.  I am glad he has the comfort of having things around him that are familiar.  And, while it is a mystery to many in our circle, we continue to see each other and interact daily…peacefully…mostly amicably.  The frustrations that arise are pretty typical of two people raising three kids and juggling needs…and also reflect the reasons we divorced…..but, I know for sure, there is a true love.  And that means a lot to me.

Texting, Social Media …What Does it Mean for the Future?

Had a conversation months ago with some other mothers on the ever-present social media of our children.  I started a blog, but never finished it. I wonder why?  Too many other things to do, I suppose.  I just had another conversation, though, which made me come back to this.

There was nothing unique in the conversation months ago…lamenting the distraction, the rudeness, the inability to focus on one thing, how we didn’t have these things when we were young so why are they so important now…etc.  Like I said, nothing new here.  However, I found myself sharing my view on what all this social media is really about.  I surprised myself. I wouldn’t always share….my insights can be pretty far out for some.

So, here it is….as humans, we are evolving to a state of easy telepathy.   Everyone will have it.  All will be known and knowable between people regarding their thoughts and emotions. All this social media is paving the way. It is helping us learn to be more discerning about what we ‘put out there’ and what we ‘take in’.   It is helping us build our sifting ‘muscles’ so that when we have increased perception and the air is crackling with everyone’s ‘stuff’, we have the ability to filter out what does not serve us….and put out what only serves the greater whole.

Think of it like this.  You are walking down the sidewalk and you have the ability to perceive what is going on in the homes on your street…and what is going on in your town…and your state…and the world.  All of it.  Can you imagine how overwhelming?  We need to build our innate – long lost – abilities to focus our attention and only take in what is needed in the moment.

Here’s the catch…..we will attract that which resonates with our innermost being. Yup, that darn attraction ‘thing’ again.  So, if you have fears about child abduction, you will attracts stories related to child abduction.  If you have unresolved relationship issues, you will attract stories about other people’s unresolved relationship issues.  If you fear government scandal and abuse of power, you will attract stories and experiences of this…and on, and on, and on.  We really do create our own reality.  Whatever wounds or fears that we have within us that we have not resolved or healed in some way will be receptors for the same.  That is true now.  However, since we’ll be telepathic, there will be more and more information coming at us.

Similarly, if we’ve done our healing work and come from a place of unconditional love, we will attract more and more stories and experiences of unconditional love.  Again, we really do create our own reality.

So…..all this social media is just another way to develop our own consciousness.  There is lots of information at our fingertips and we can put ‘out there’ any old thought or feeling we have.  What choices do we make?  Where do we put our attention?  What do we filter out?  Where do we allow our time or energy to be wasted?

Get ready folks!   This is our training ground…another opportunity to heal ourselves….to be magnets for and generators of love.  If that is all we are  – then that is all there is.

So, next time you have an annoying experience with a child (or adult!) using social media, just send them love and remember that we are all on our path of being pure love…..and if that doesn’t work, well, pay attention to something that makes you feel good.  🙂

The New 10 Commandments – say Jesus & Buddha

So …I went back to Buddha to find out the next thing to reinterpret.  He was with Jesus…they are both guides to me…and seemingly very good friends…lots of laughs.  They said  ‘ How about the 10 Commandments?’  I thought it was a joke…that is surely too big and too controversial.  But they weren’t kidding.  It was a joke of sorts…on me. 🙂   We started right in talking about what each commandment really means in today’s world.   It was fun, easy.  Common themes emerged almost immediately.  More on that in a bit…

After the initial fascination with the ‘new 10 Commandments’ I stopped and asked ‘Why did ‘God’ make them at all?’    That is when it got really interesting and reminded me of a meditation I had a handful of years ago.  I was sitting on my couch after LightEyes and PracticalFairy had gone to bed.  I was alone downstairs.  I was looking at a website AlwaysThere had sent me…the God Channel.  There was a very simple meditation exercise to talk with God.  I did it…almost tongue in cheek. I didn’t really think it would work…but it did….REALLY did.   I had a very direct and clear conversation. I don’t recall all of it anymore.   I do recall, though, that ‘He’ (and He did present as a male energy) talked about His desire to expand, to grow, to create, create, create.   He talked about how He got so caught up in the creating, the expanding, the thrill of experiencing Himself, and the powerful feeling of giving life that he forgot about his ‘other half’.   He forgot about balance, allowance, unfolding…or, at least, he didn’t lead with those aspects of Himself.     The result was discord, war, conflict, and power struggles.  He also described that He was in the process of circling back, recommuning with his ‘other half’, bringing Himself into balance.  He was intentionally reconnecting with his feminine aspect, bringing the process of creation back into balance.  His divine masculine had run amuck and was now seeking reintegration with the divine feminine.  He was willing to grow more slowly and in a more peaceful and sustainable manner.

I listened to his story and said ‘So, you really did create us in your image. As above so below.’  He looked at me wryly and said ‘So, you really do understand.’  It was a moment for sure….a  moment that I will never forget.  Here I was meeting in meditation with God, or some representation of Him, and we are looking each other in the eye with perfect understanding…in both directions.   Truth is, I was in awe for days that then completely forgot about it. I mean, where do you store that experience in a brain that is steeped in beliefs that God is way too busy and way to important and way to powerful to interact directly with little ol’ me.

Anyway….Jesus and Buddha’s answer to ‘Why did ‘God’ make them at all?’ was very much related to my previous meditation experience and how God has been creating in recent (2000+) years.  When God was creating as described above, the resulting creations were out of balance.  People were not caring for each other.  The focus was on acquisition or expansion…whatever the cost.   Creators weren’t thinking about what it would take to maintain a system once it was built nor the impact on the environment nor the impact on culture.  They just created with singular purposes in mind –  no integration, no long-term vision.    Rather than admit His own energies were out of balance, He wanted to continue creating and growing at breakneck pace and so He sought to control the ensuing chaos with another masculine trait – rulemaking.  He didn’t look to himself to ask ‘Why is this happening within my creation?’  He kept doing what he was doing on a Universal scale and issued rules and edicts to get what he ‘left behind’ to behave properly.  Not a recipe for success.   Oh, and the people in power on Earth during this time were largely men who mirrored this same approach – again, ‘as above so below’.

NOTE:  Of course, Earth is a free will zone and some of the chaos surely resulted from humans making choices as they continue to experiment, experience and learn.  What we are talking about here, however, is the overriding energies that were at work.  Human’s choices were free will choices AND they reflected the predominant energy of the Universe, which was masculine.

Today, as God comes into more balance…and we on Earth mirror that by also raising the divine feminine, rules are less necessary.  Note, I didn’t say unnecessary.   We are all on a continuum and evolving at our own pace, after all.

This may be confronting for those who believe God is constant, unchanging, and omniscient.  My belief is that God is an energy bigger and more evolved and developed than humans, for sure….but still an evolving energy.  Wiser than us for sure.  Ahead of us for sure, depending on how you hold time.  God seemed so evolved that we made him perfect….being smarter than us does not mean perfect.  Again, ‘as above so below’. Humans are much smarter than baboons, but that doesn’t make us constant, unchanging, or omniscient.  God, to this Earth. is a constantly evolving energy…creating, experimenting, expressing.  To the extent we are in ‘His’ image, we are also creating, experimenting, expressing….and learning similar lessons.

So, back to the commandments.  Here is what Jesus and Buddha offered as their ‘take’ on the 10 commandments today, in no particular order.

1.  Honor the Lord your God; worship no Gods before Him.

Masculine run amuck, you think?

Today:   ‘Honor the God inside yourself and all others.  Let nothing be more sacred that that knowing’.

This sounds an awful lot like what is often called the great commandment of ‘Love the Lord your God with your whole heart and love your neighbor as yourself.’

2.  Do not make any graven images/worship idols.

Today:  Do not worship anything or anyone; all that you need is available within you.

Jesus has often coached me to own spiritual teachings.  Find inspiration where you find it, but once something resonates with you, own it.  It was never his intention to be worshipped or have people continually say ‘Jesus says…’   If it is your belief, say  ‘I believe…’.  That may sound simple but it is not easy to live into.  It is much easier to refer to others and stay in the safe place of simply being the messenger or the student.  It is find to give attribution and share the source of your inspiration, but own your own beliefs.

Embedded in his commandment is also the idea that any image of God is simply that – an image, a perspective – one of the vast ways in which God shows himself. No one image is better than another, and they are all a part of the whole, which each individual is also part of. So, to the extent you worshipped anything, you would be worshipping an aspect of yourself…or worshipping an aspect of the whole…however you prefer to think of it.

3.  Do not take the Lord’s name in vain.

Today:  The spoken word is sacred and powerful; never curse yourself nor another.

4.  Honor the Sabbath

Today:  Take time to commune with Spirit for this is the connection that informs the rest of your existence.

4.  Honor your Father and Mother.

Today:  Honor all who support and challenge you, especially those who know you most deeply.   You do not know their journey and their journey has made your journey possible.

This is about valuing the experience of those who went before you.  Each generation fulfills their role in the evolution or humankind and our Earth.  This seems particularly relevant now as many Lightworkers signed up to live this conscious evolution in recent years.  They have made the way much easier for the children born today to live in more full connection with Spirit and live a Lighter existence here on Earth.

5.  Do not kill.

Today:  Do not kill.

Do not harm any living thing without conscious consideration.  The more sentient the being, the more consideration is due.

6.  Do not covet you neighbor’s goods.

Today: Create your own life.

7.  Do not covet your neighbor’s wife.

Today: Create your own life.

The new interpretation of the ‘covet’ commandments is really about not being distracted by other people’s things or relationships.  That distraction keeps you from standing in your own power and creating that which your heart truly desires.  Keep your focus on yourself.  Focusing on others is simply a waste of time.  By wanting what they have, you are keeping that thing/person at a distance and living into the belief that they have it and you don’t…..so, guess what?  You don’t have it…ever.   When you are lost in feelings of envy, jealousy, case-making, etc., you are not in a place of creation.    Coveting is related to not taking responsibility for self.  By the way, it is fine to be inspired by what another has and let that motivate you to achieving or acquiring it yourself…but that is very different than coveting.

8.  Do not steal.

Today:  Be authentic in all dealings with yourself and others.

9.  Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.

Today:  Be authentic in all dealings with yourself and others.

Honesty is a basic requirement for healthy relationships and civilizations.  Once lying starts, the foundation crumbles.  No one can give their whole selves to a project, initiative, commitment,  etc. if they don’t trust what they are told. No sponsor will support projects, initiatives, commitments if they do not trust what they are told.  Very little happens…and what does happens is not built on a solid foundation.

10.  Do not commit adultery.

Today:  Be authentic in all dealings with yourself and others.

This is really Number 9 on steroids.   Of course! Sexual joining is the most intimate physical act between humans and can be the most intimate emotional and psychological act.  Often, in our culture, it is undertaken with a shared expectation that it is unique to the relationship and not being shared with others.  In theory, this allows the two people to be open and vulnerable with each other, to allow themselves a deeper experience of themselves and another.   To go to those open and vulnerable places with the expectation of monogamy and later find out that your partner is lying to you can cause pain and a closing down of the physical, emotional, and psychological fields – all the energetic fields.  The person lied to learns it is not safe to be open and vulnerable.

The nuance here – or perhaps it is not that subtle – is less about who should have sexual relations with who and when and how many people can be involved and more about having an expectation of honesty and truth in this deep and intimate space.   It’s like the granddaddy of lying to have an expectation of monogamy with one person while engaging in sexual relations with another person….one of the deepest forms of lying possible within our culture.

An additional perspective is that most humans in our culture are incapable of deeply and intimately sharing the sex act in more than one relationship at a time.  So, until we are capable of that, it is best to not do it.

—————-

I asked Jesus and Buddha if they would even have commandments now.  They laughed and said no.  They would offer precepts, foundational ideas that would be useful at this time…Buddha pretty much  thinks he used that approach.  IF they boiled down the 10 Commandments into useful advice for today, they would say:

1.  Love yourself first and share that love with others. Let love flow through you and out of you, continually fill yourself and the world with love.

2.  Focus on and create your own life.

3.  Be honest with yourself and with everyone else.

4.  Make time to commune with yourself and Spirit.

5.  Understand there are no rules or rulemakers; you are your only ruler.

So, there you have it.   Easy.  Good luck.

Love Patterns….Are you Wired for Healthy Love?

So…..Melchizaked (aka Dex) gave me anther healing approach recently…very simple and yet very effective.  I have felt the difference – strongly.   This is mainly for unhealthy relationship patterns.  In my case, I was raised by  RoadBlocker, an alcholic (active and then later recovering) who I loved madly….like a little girl can love her daddy.  I loved him fiercely and intensely, until the day he died a bit over two years ago…actually, I still love him fiercely.  I have come to understand, however, that because of that relationship (and probably a bazillion like it  from other lives…and a few from this life), I have this energy pattern that I perceive as love. Unfortunately, the energy pattern that has love in the strongest form I know/feel it also has depression…and anxiety….possibly addiction….and the promise of  greatness that is lurking just beneath the surface….and tenderness….and humor….and great wisdom.  So, if someone has this pattern in them, guess what?  I love them.  Every time.  I will believe in the greatness about to emerge.   It is not altogether conscious. Much of it is just an affinity for the pattern…because the pattern feels like great love to me.  Now, I didn’t know this until recently…but I sure can see it.

Here is the good news –   I was shown that I could simply ask for the pattern to be lifted from me.  I asked to see the pattern. For me, it showed like my body was a circuit board and different places lighted up in different colors.  I didn’t know the meaning of it all, though I am sure I could go look and trace the places and colors to life experiences and emotions.  I simply asked for it to be lifted.  The pattern was lifted from my body….like an intact web of circuitry.  Off it went for Spirit to be transmuted…not my worry.  I did several rounds of this.  Consider that the patterns are overt and subtle, multi-layered.  I just asked for unhealthy pattern of love to be removed.   Off they went.  Oh…and I was willing…very willing.

It took courage.  I felt fear that I would not feel love or be loved anymore….that what I knew would be gone, as imperfect as it might be, and I would feel nothing.  For I knew that my RoadBlocker’s love came with baggage, but it was the best love I had known…had some quality of depth that seemed impossible to replace.  Still, I had to trust that there would be something better on the other side of letting it go.  It wasn’t easy.  I gotta say, though…the letting go and trusting is getting easier.  A year ago I would’ve known it was the right thing to do but wrung my hands for months (resistance) and  I now like ‘Why not?’  Might as well save time and just go for it.

Now that I’d left gaps in my energy field, they needed to be filled. It is ‘oh so important’ to consciously fill yourself.  With these recent ‘holes’ I was so susceptible to any ol’ energy filling me.  So, I asked for the highest vibration I could hold from my own soul to fill me up.  I practiced this on and off for a couple weeks.  I felt different.  I notices that I interacted differently with the men in my life.  It might not have been so apparent on the surface, but inside I could feel it less triggered…less responsive to their moods ….less concern for how the other person was (in a good way!).  I felt more relaxed and more free to express myself.  I also had more energy.

Anyone can do this…a testament to the power of intention.  I had some insight to my ‘issues’…was experiencing this shift in a conscious and energetic level.     If you have some awareness of what is going on, great. If you don’t, simply ask for any unhealthy patterns of love to be lifted from you and bring in your own’ souls’ light.

Like I often say, it can’t hurt.

Finally – Breaking Free

 

Well, after months of being told by Spirit to be still, sit, don’t worry…just do what is in front of me…settle in.  I was even told to skip yoga and walking and just sit.  Now I have received guidance now and then to be still…but not like this.  I was literally to sit…read books…settle.  And you know what it required à  TRUST.   I am so used to setting a goal and accomplishing tasks to meet the goal.  I have goals near and dear to my heart…and it was excruciating to sit still.  But I did it…with some gnashing of teeth.  And, finally, it has released…

It is just like the Spiritual Reader in Sedona told me last Fall.  You are in a pause.  The Universe is breathing in…and soon it will exhale with a new surge of energy.  Your desires are supported…be patient.  And, later, in my own meditations, the recurring messages of ‘rest up…you will need it…you have no idea what is coming…you have moved so fast that we need to catch up….we are aligning things to your newer, bigger vision…take this time to rest…’.  Over and over again.  Of course, I now wish I had done that more gracefully…it could have been more relaxing. But, I DID do it!

And, I knew it…I knew the time was coming…I could feel it. And, sure enough, it was like the Universe breathed out…and an abundance of new energy, resources, and opportunities just showed up. Easy-peasy…in that synchronistic way that is so reassuring that I am in the flow.

TRUST keeps coming up in all different ways.  I found myself walking down the street thinking about how I was going to get a bunch of stuff done…for my family, my job, Shine…and I caught myself…I felt like my old self saying ‘hey, I don’t need to worry about this…of course I am supported…of course it’ll all work out’ and, in that, I allowed Spirit back in…and whadya know…things just fell into place.

Get Me Off This Ride! People Magazine and Bourbon are Just Fine for Me

Wow. What a month or so.  I have felt for the first time in twenty+ years that I want off the ride.  Don’t care. Don’t want to care.  Just give me People magazine, Bourbon, a house and a job and I’m all set.  I’ll be as average and disinterested as I like.  A ‘good time’ will be dinner with friends and a movie.  I even wondered if perhaps I had, in my wisdom, planned an Earth exit….and I thought that sounded pretty good. Again, a sentiment I NEVER feel.  If it weren’t for the faces of my three beautiful children (LightEyes, PracticalFairy, ChildoftheHeart) I think exiting Earth would sound pretty good right now.

I can’t even describe how ‘un me’ that is.  I have been through a lot the last few years and I always remind and reassure Spirit “I’m in, I’m all in….this part might be hard, but don’t slow it down…I’m all in.’  I’ve never once asked for a ‘pass’ a ‘slow down’.  I’ve had my sites set on growth and change and opening to my own gifts…and it’s all been worth it.  But, lately….

Around my own life I see the polarization…the breakdown.  I mean, I know we all know this is happening. But knowing and feeling…and allowing yourself to feel, are very different things. I see some ‘spiritual folks’ taking a very removed approach…flaunting their equanimity.  Some seem genuine. Others (most), I think, are just separated from their feelings…and telling themselves that it is wisdom.  I don’t think so….    They are the same spiritual folk who are never hurt by anything…they claim understanding of all.  I think many of them are skipping over the human experience altogether.

SiriusSister’s life seems to be coming undone, finally.  Though she may still spend more time trying to hold it together. It is so heart-wrenching to see her clinging to the pieces of what she has around her…when, if she would just let go and let it all fall apart, she might have a chance at some happiness and healing.  I say that with compassion. I’ve been there…not maybe so deep as she is, but I know the feelings.  My heart breaks at her pain and her fear.  If I could open her up and pour self-love into her, I would.  But we all know that isn’t possible. Everyone has to learn for themselves. Some take the easy way and some take the hard way.  I have two hard cases in my life right now – SiriusSister and SoulSpark  (check out all these Ss) .   I love them both dearly, but they are taking the hard way…both related to self-love.  Because they don’t love themselves, no one around them can possible love them enough…and they push away.  And both, as they persist in their resistance to change, are moving farther and farther away from me.  I’m through most of the sadness over loss of their relationships. I send them love most days. I have reminders of them in my home that trigger me to send love.  Part of this shifting and journeying for all of us, I think, is not to take on other people’s issues.  I can’t help them, much as I’d like to.  Actually, I could in some ways…but they are not asking me to.   I can love them…send love…but they will have to find their own ways.  And, being too close to them puts me in the range of their energy which is blameful, frustrated, scared, stuck, anxious and, well, angry.  And since I am so close to both of them, I am susceptible to their negative energies.   So, distance is fine…my love will find them.  I trust they feel it on some level and that it helps.

Roadblocker died two years ago last Monday.  In the week leading up to it, I felt a wreck.  I can’t remember when I’ve felt such strong, undefinable hopelesseness.  I just felt like nothing mattered and I just, well….People magazine and Bourbon.  Funny, on the eve of his death, it lifted. I connected to the absolute joy I felt at his passing.  He was so ready…and I was so ready to help him die easily…and he did…and I was elated for him.  I miss Roadblocker and feel him sometimes.  For a guy who was judgmental and fearful in life, though also full of incredible wisdom and compassion,  ‘in heaven’ he is easy-going and encouraging of all my pursuits.

I had a big work meeting this week out of state.  A big affair, swanky restaurant, lots of speeches, etc.  Much to my surprise, I was given a ‘special’ award. One made up just for me b/c my management team and client thought I deserved it.  I was gratified.     I also received my annul review. Stellar.  I am puzzled.   A year ago, I would have said ‘Awesome, everything is going great. I’m good at my consulting job. It supports me and I help others be effective and successful as we clean up the Earth. AND, I have time and support to do my other healing/spiritual pursuits.’  The recent me, for reasons I don’t understand, thinks ‘Uh-oh, why is my consulting job going so well…and I supposed to do more with that?  What about the healing? Is that unsupported?  Which way is the flow?’  I am making it an either/or.  When did I start doing that?  Perhaps I always have, but why it in such sharp relief now?  More for me to do there, for sure.  I notice over the years that I go to the either/or when I am tired, worn out.  Maybe that is related to Spirit telling me to rest, relax, rejuvenate. I need it for all that I want to do. And what I want to do is, of course, supported…because I am creating my own life.  Another reminder of the importance of self-care.  Because I am worn out, I feel less energized toward my desires and start making up stories about what is and what is not supported by the universe…when all I really need is a good, long nap followed by a massage and a good meal.  🙂

Here’s another thing:  I had this big meeting.  I made a presentation that included stepping into my own knowing and leading a visualization (cuz that’s a better term in business than meditation).  I was super-nervous, but felt driven to do it.  It was GREAT.  I received much positive feedback, including from unlikely sources.  Yet, on the plane trip home, I am berating myself for elements I felt I should’ve included in the more traditional portion of my presentation.  Berating myself.  I just got an award, a top rating, and stood in my power delivering a well-received visualization…and I am berating myself.  WHAT IS THAT?  I can’t remember feeling this much self-judgment since I was in my 20s.  What is going on?  Another clue to me that the energies now are challenging (and that I need a long nap). Whatever is in you that needs to come up and out will come up and out now.  It is up to each of us if that is ‘easy’ or ‘hard’.  I think I’m in the ‘easy-medium’ track right now.  I see it for what it is. I’m dealing with it. Yet, still giving it too much airplay.  Rather than just push it away, however, or stuff it, I am really working in the energy to release it…and find that nut  of self-judgment in myself.  Use this as an opportunity for another deep release.  And me, who loves deep release, is saying ‘ Really? Another?  What’s the point?’   So not me.  But apparently it’s me lately.  And, yes, I need a nap.

So, this blog is a bit more ramble-y.  sharing my own experience…this human experience that we all share.   That’s sort of how I’m feeling these days.  I live a very focused life.  I love to have a good time and have no trouble kicking back with friends to socialize and relax.  Yet, I tend to get a lot done, moving forward the things I want in my life – my home, my career, my healing practice.  Lately, though, I am taking a breather.  It feels SOOOOO weird to me…makes me feel unproductive and as though I am not ‘on mission’.  Yet, Spirit keeps telling me to just relax, lean into it…take it easy…read a book…take a nap.  Do just what is in front of me and let that be enough. Don’t worry about the future (or the past).  I say ‘but I am spending so much time on my career, what about my healing practice?’   Spirit chuckles, ‘you have no idea what’s coming.’   Again, relax, read, take a nap.  I say ‘but, but, but…’.  It is so hard for me to not take specific steps toward my goals.  Yet, the guidance could not be more clear.  It’s a conundrum for me, for sure.  Here’s the other thing:  I keep ‘thinking’ I should exercise more. Walk. Yoga.  Spirit says ‘no, be still’.    It all seems so counter-intuitive.

I have been doing my best to listen to Spirit.  Spirit also says to do what makes me happy.  So….I work with kids through the Littlest Shaman b/c that always makes me happy.  I get together with girlfriends and share meditative space at Shine and swap readings and healings.  I go out for dinner. I read.  I get facials.  I meditate and have mini-retreats for myself.  It feels good. More nurturing than I’ve given myself in quite a while.  I feel like I am convalescing…resting up…for something I’m going to like.  Which is good…b/c the growth of the last few years has had plenty to like…and plenty of challenge.

I understand that SiriusSister thinks her life’s purpose is to help ManofManyFaces raise his vibration. That may be true…I don’t know.  I do know that her view of how to do that is narrow.   Helping someone raise their vibration could be anything from doing a healing session to doling out some tough love.  For sure, raising anyone’s vibration should not come from lowering your own.  That can be a tough lesson, especially for women.  I’ve lived it myself.  Signs you are in an unhealthy romantic relationship:

  • you need to ‘dumb it down’
  • you need to shine less bright so the other doesn’t feel eclipsed
  • you need to  constantly make sure the other is ‘OK’
  • you need to always be present b/c the other person feels better when you’re there
  • you can’t tell your friends and family  the truth of what goes on in your relationship
  • you spend more time distracting yourselves, going to movies and similar so you can ‘pretend’ you are together, but you are really just sharing space in a very separate way
  • you feel tired all the time
  • you start avoiding certain conversations…then more conversations…and there are less and less things to talk about safely, let alone happily
  • the other person threatens to leave repeatedly
  • you are giving more than you are receiving
  • you are constantly doing ‘things’ to try and hold it together (could be making dinner, laundry, sex)
  • you often wish your partner would go out of town for business or to visit someone…and you are very relieve when he/she does
  • arguments or ‘tough times’ are followed by recommitments and a deep expression that ‘we are in it together, no matter what’.    Really, no matter what?

 

Well, we’ve covered enough for this blog – everything from the crazy energies at work to self-acceptance to relaxing and focusing on what’s in front of you to self-judgment to  letting go of relationships of all kinds that are still polar to signs of an unhealthy romantic relationship…..as for me, I’m in the People magazine and Bourbon phase right now (actually, at the moment, it is Bordeaux) and I’m going to trust myself and Spirit that that is just fine for now.    I am finally seeing how wise Spirit was on counseling me to rest, relax, rejuvenate.  I didn’t listen at first…and I’ve worn myself out.  It affects my view and ability to continue creating my life.  I am taking a break now, with more trust that taking a break will not stop my ride.  Time isn’t real anyway. I’m going to take a break in the ‘no time’ space until I feel I can manifest from my less tired, more positive self.  And, a little People magazine and Bourbon is a good thing. Bet they don’t have that in heaven.  🙂

 

P.S.   Happy Birthday OldFriend.  You are off with LightEyes, PracticalFairy and ChildoftheHeart at a school fundraiser. They love that stuff.  They have presents, a chocolate cake and a lemon meringue pie in the trunk to surprise you with.  You are 49.  Who can imagine that we met when you were 21; I was 17.  I don’t think you should’ve been giving tequila to a minor.  🙂  Roadblocker loved that story.   More than half our lives. Wow.

Conscious Evolution Hurts

Conscious Evolution Hurts

I’ve read for years now about how Earth is so unique because we are evolving consciously.  I very vaguely knew what that meant. I mean, we are evolving and we are conscious. The thing is, I really don’t know how else it has been done. It seems like other places and times experienced some sort of blinding light and ‘woke up’ and everything was different.  That sounds pretty hard to believe, but so much outside our ‘Earth rules’ seems hard to believe.  Truth is, I really don’t know how it has happened before…and I’m not even sure why we are doing it consciously. I am pretty sure it has something to do with the whole ‘free will’ concept.  We have to evolve choice by choice. 

What I realized this week – and maybe many others have known this for a long time – but evolving consciously means that all the feelings, emotions, transformations must be processed through some sentient being – usually me!   The transforming of everything that is fear to love can only happen by brave humans being willing to feel their feelings, process them through the body and literally turn them into love.  For each feeling or experience we transform, we upload that to the collective consciousness of Earth…making it lighter and lighter, easier and easier…for ourselves and for everyone.  I think Mother Earth herself also transforms many fear-based thoughts and feelings into love…so perhaps humans don’t have to experience every single one…thought it sure feels like it sometimes. 

I recently went through a two-week period of deep transformation.  Facing deep hurts, the rising of old wounds.  By some miracle J I was able to stop fighting the pain. Stop fighting myself. Stop fighting those who want to love me most.  I made the choice to let the pain wash over and through me.  I can hardly describe how awful it was.  These are deep wounds, from this life and others. Fears of being abandoned, not being loved, being lied to, manipulated, suppressed, giving myself openly and freely only to be betrayed….dark stuff.   I literally felt I might not survive if I had to actually allow these feelings to rise in me and feel them all.  Unless you are in it, it is hard to connect to being so afraid to feel a hurt.  I felt it deep in my gut, like it could literally break me in two. 

Yet, I knew the way I had been doing it wasn’t working. I could keep doing it the same way…and would likely have the same unsatisfying result.  Because I would still be fighting with the wounds, still stubbornly wanting them to have never happened…wanted them to go away.  I was finally ready to lay down …stop fighting (mostly with myself and ‘reality’, as I understood it).   And then things moved pretty quickly.  I was sad, sure. I was tear-y, sure.   But there was motion…the feelings were moving through me.  They became less powerful.  I had been so afraid of them.  It wasn’t easy…no, not easy. 

When I got to the other side of this event, I felt a peace I hadn’t felt.  A calm.  I no longer had to be on alert…no longer had to be marshalling my defenses against my wounds.  I was in acceptance that the wounds happened and that they hurt.  I was OK letting the hurt come in waves.  And, eventually, it dissipated and I could relax.

And then a strange thing happened.  I started having feelings of compassion and forgiveness for those who had hurt me.  Right out of a textbook.  I had more awareness – and willingness to be aware – of how it must be for the people who had hurt me.  It’s a vibe I operate from often …as long as we are not talking about my own deep wounds. I can operate from that place of compassion and forgiveness for my shallow wounds.  I truly felt compassion for those who had inflicted the deep wounds.  No one is more surprised than me!   And, for a few, if I couldn’t quite feel compassion ….I did feel an openness toward having that feeling. It was a start.  

It was a gut wrenching, painful, scary couple of weeks.  It was worth it. I feel clear, relaxed, peaceful, courageous and more able to be the love that I am…the light that I am.

Oh, it is also worth mentioning that I had several days to myself during this time.  I felt resentful that I was using my ‘vacation time’ to process all this yuk.  But I also understood that without the free time, I probably wouldn’t have given myself the permission to sink into my feelings…sink into my experience. And it was the sinking in that made all the difference…allowing myself to ‘go there’.

And…I know, deep inside, that my shift has supported the shift of all. I have cleared the hurts and anger. I have uploaded that into the collective consciousness.  Every person who chooses to change fear, anger, hatred, resentment, lack of acceptance, etc. into LOVE helps create a new world.

For now, I live in this world…and I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

It Means So Much & Nothing at All – Boardwalk Plank

The town I live in has a gorgeous boardwalk that spans an ever-changing marsh and peaks at the top of the final dune before a staircase takes you down to the beach.  Like many similar structures, you can ‘buy’ a plank and put a message on it to help fund the maintenance of the boardwalk.  Years ago, SiriusSister gave my family the gift of a plank with all of our names on it.  The thing is, I knew that one more soul was coming to join us. I wasn’t carrying that ChildoftheHeart yet, but expected him to join me within months.  So, before the plank was laid, I called the carpenter and asked him the add a ‘+ ‘ after the names of me, OldFriend, LightEyes and PracticalFairy.  I also asked, if possible, if he could lay the plank on the crest of the dune, so that I could stand on it and see the ocean.  True to his word, he did both of those things.  For years, I walked every Saturday morning with my dear friend, LightLover.  We would pause on that plank and say our gratitudes, for both our families, that we lived in this beautiful place and were supported by Mother Earth.  We continued this even after OldFriend and I separated and divorced.  I would still stand on that plank and express my gratitude for him, his role in my life and send him my blessing.

Recently, before leaving on an extended business trip to France, LightEyes and I took a walk together and stood on our plank and also said familiar prayers.  We were especially grateful because we had had huge winter storms and the boardwalk had been damaged. Many planks were washed away along with part of the stairs down to the beach.  Our plank seemed just fine though.  Like the relationships between the five of us that had weathered divorce, our plank was still integrated and strong. It gave me comfort.

When I returned from my trip and was again walking my familiar route, I was shocked to find my plank gone. I was walking  along casually…I got to where it had always been …and it was gone.  I paced up and back…feeling a bit frantic.  I couldn’t believe it was gone. I had already seen it post-storms and damage and it was fine. Why was it now missing?  My mind did a somersault…made it all about our divorce. I asked the Universe why this plank that meant so much to me, that held the space for the five of us, would be gone?  I had attached so much meaning to its post-divorce survival…and now it was gone. I railed against the Universe.  ‘Was it not enough that we had to make such difficult decisions in the name of authenticity and wayshowing?’  ‘Was it not enough that we had to shepherd our children through significant change with the wary eyes of the concerned (and over-concerned) upon us?’  We did our part, was it really necessary to obliterate this plank, a testament to the five of us, from the planet.  It truly jolted me. It just seemed so unnecessary.  

I avoided that walking route for a while. It was so disappointing to not see our plank.

Eventually, I walked the old familiar route again.  And, wouldn’t you know it, our plank was back.  Not only was it back, it was in a better position. We were that much closer to the crest of the dune, prime real estate for a plank.  It is ridiculous how happy I felt. I was laughing and tearing up…and laughing.  What exactly happened, I still don’t know.  I know that I attached way too much importance to the plank …and even knowing that, I was giddy that it was back and that it was better than ever.  In spite of myself, I felt the plank to be a continued metaphor for our marriage, family and future.  We had changed for sure.  But we continue on…five of us inter-related and interactive…and better than ever.

Forgiveness 101

I blogged a while back about Forgiveness. How Mary Magdalene was coming to me in the shower counseling forgiveness, deep forgiveness.  I could hardly grasp it.  Recently, on a trip to Sedona, three different readers counseled forgiveness.  The readings were very different, but all counseled forgiveness.  One even gave instructions on how to do it.  So, I embarked on 21 days of forgiveness.  Every day in meditation, I had to 1) look into my own eyes and forgive myself, 2) look into the eyes of the others involved in my hurts and wounds and forgive them, and 3) look into the eyes of HeWhoHasHurtMeMost and forgive him.  Sounds simple, right?  

I was committed. I was unsure where it would lead…but somehow I knew it would lead to freedom.  The first week was pretty easy. I was pretty high on the idea that I was actually doing this at all and the surface layers of forgiveness were easy.  Week two – the middle – not so great.  I started coming up against my edges…looking at the things I didn’t think I could forgive. Jesus and Mary Magdalene, my ‘forgiveness guides,’ counseled me to just say it…try saying that I forgive even if I don’t feel it.  So, I said it… all the while being clear with them that I was trying, but I really didn’t feel it and couldn’t imagine that I ever would.  They were right, though.  Just being willing to say the words created momentum in that direction.  Day by day the words sounded less preposterous…and I began to feel forgiveness

During that second week, the most interesting shift is that I realized how angry I really was at myself – for not being stronger, for being so affected by the meanness of others, for giving too much attention to the meanness of others, for allowing anyone or anything to exploit my soft underbelly and make me hurt, to doubt myself.  I really didn’t know that I was so mad at me for being less than perfect, for being vulnerable to others.  I thought I should be wiser, tougher, stronger.  As I worked with it, it was so good to look myself in the eyes and say ‘Yes, you are only human. Things get to you and hurt you.  You have soft places from this life and others not yet healed and they are vulnerable.  It is OK.  It was just for a very short period of time.  It is a drop in the bucket of this life, and certainly not even a drop compared to all your lives.’  It felt good to be that gentle with myself. And I felt my strength return.  I literally felt the anger and withheld acceptance of self leave my body and pure, clean, clear, energy fill me.

The other thing I noticed as I moved from Week 2 to the Final Week 3 is that I just became less interested in all the others involved. They became smaller and smaller in my mind’s eye.  They were just people, also on a journey.  They were no bigger nor smaller than myself.  I struggled mightily with my desire to call them to account…to have them face their vengeful and dishonest ways …to look them in the eye while I told them MY truth.  I REALLY wanted that badly.  But, that faded too.  It’s one of the oldest teachings, isn’t it? All the major religions have some form of the concept that it is not ours to judge; leave that to God (by whatever name).  While I still relish an open and direct dialogue in this 3D experience on the issues and hurts, I do not need it.  They have faded away from my consciousness.  They have no power over me and cannot hurt me.  They are on their own journey, creating their own lives from their own consciousness.  As I get to create mine.

Lastly, I had to do some forgiveness of HeWhoHasHurtMeMost…most deeply…personally…intimately.  I started the 21 days certain that it wasn’t possible. At best, I thought I might learn to move on and not dwell on the hurts, but not to accept…not to truly forgive.  I stuck with the practice; every day.  There were days I came out of meditation discouraged. Over time, I would reach the place in meditation where I felt forgiving.  I literally felt the weight of non-forgiveness leave my body and a huge wave of light enter my body and I would emanate love and light from my heart to those who had hurt me…including Him.  It felt like true and total forgiveness. It felt like being my best self, my unwounded self, my full self.  And that was great…in meditation.  I might carry it forward for an hour or so of conscious time….but within a short time of actually having to live in the world, it was gone.  I would again feel frustrated, hurt, angry…and decidedly unforgiving. Luckily, I had just started Week 3.  There was hope.

On the last day of Week 3, as if by magic, it shifted. I had already said goodbye and good luck to the people who had hurt me…except for HeWhoHurtMeMost.  I had gotten to true forgiveness of Him in meditation…but couldn’t hold onto it.  The magic was this:  Toward the end of my very last meditation, Spirit say to me ‘Can you see that the person who did those hurts to you no longer exists?  He has also grown and changed. The person you see today is a new person.’  I could feel the truth in that. And I could feel the folly in persisting in being angry at someone who literally no longer exists. How could I be mad at Him for something from the past?  It literally felt like being made at Bob for something that Jim did…and that is crazy.   I was grateful the message was framed that way because I really ’got it’.

Now, if something rubs those old wounds, which can still feel a bit raw, I remind myself that the person who did the hurt no longer exists.  All is forgiven. I forgive myself for the depth of my hurt and the ways I held onto the hurt to cause separation and protection.  And I have the courage to admit that the person before me is not the person who hurt me.  He is new. I am new.  And we go on in a new way. 

It may sound simple here. It felt anything but simple. However, I felt the energetic shifts when they happened…and I feel my energy continue to increase.  I am stronger, more overflowing with life force, more willing to give my life force out into the world and I am more gentle with myself. And, I am more honest with myself.  Like the raising in consciousness itself, there is no going back.  Once you have come to know a deeper truth, you can’t pretend you don’t know it.  Or, maybe you can pretend, but not for long. It is just too painful to go back to living in dark and shadow when you know the truth.  So, I can no longer tell myself negative stories about the people who hurt me…and we all have stories about people who have hurt us.  I know for sure they are just people on their own path with their own issues, concerns, wounds and lessons.  They are no bigger nor smaller than me.  And we all grow and change every day. It only makes sense to deal with what is here now.  It is also a whole lot easier.